Sex Ed Video: A View from Tehran

Editor at Large: Can you put this new sex ed video in perspective.

Tehran Editor: Iranian officials seem to have finally come around to believing the reason so many marriages are falling apart is a lack of proper education. Obtaining the DVD from local pharmacies requires being married and having a shenasname (an identity booklet) to prove it. But the beauty of Iran is that nothing remains a secret for long and when something is labeled forbidden, Iranians find a way of getting their hands on the contraband item. Where there is a will there is always an Iranian way. The educational video was probably leaked online to satisfy the curiosity of everyone.

What did you think of it?

Most people are sexually active in Iran and this is why this video is so hilarious for everyone here ...we all know about the birds and the bees. As an unmarried Iranian girl who knows a little something about something, all I can say is:

* What I like to call the "Superman" soundtrack at the beginning of the clip, encouraging people to get to the finish line, is not exactly an appropriate start!

* The animated flowers at the start can put anyone off sex… they look like one of those vicious meat-eating plants, the ones that seem harmless at first, before they attack you. It actually reminded me of the 1980s musical/horror flick “Little Shop of Horrors.”

* Basically this video says a lot about how it’s done in books and in hadith but what about personal experience? Who actually opens a book and says, “It says here, step one: kiss your partner for 20 seconds because a kiss between a husband and wife sometimes last for longer than a few seconds! What about putting some emphasis on the good old fashioned trial-and-error method? I doubt the first people who had sex had access to books!!!

* The choice of hadith is also repulsive…women must wear the best perfume and clothes at home and offer themselves for sex every night and every morning… What about what the woman wants? So much for IR's claim that women are not objects and prostitutes in our society.

* Before sex make jokes with your wife and play with them (shookhi and bazi in Persian are not exactly what they seem to be when translated into English). "Play" in Persian brings to mind shooting hoops and throwing a ball for the kitty or a stick for the dog to fetch! And shookhi is like a bad crude joke, like Ghazanfar telling his girlfriend "Chetori goozo!”

Some of the other ridiculous tips:

* Touch lightly because if you are rough that is chelandan -- squishing!

* Touch on the cheeks, face, neck and roye hame ja (everywhere)!

* But then, 'Do not touch wherever you like, touch where the lady tells you to!' Don’t always touch the same place: touch her on her neck one night and touch her back the next night!

* The good doctor actually sticks out his tongue when he instructs on using it to touch! That's icky.

* Lick the skin above the lips… So this is where some guys learn the fish/dog kiss, the one all girls hate!

* Just stand in front of each other…no further description available, not even a train-in-tunnel imagery from a Leslie Nielsen movie?

* Don’t be a starfish! Don’t just lay there... stop and start! Move for one second and stop for one second …az to harkat az man (khoda) barakat!!!!!!!!!!!

Translation: "You make the move (woman); and I (God) will bestow the gift!

* There is a reason you have a mirror in your bedroom. It’s so you can look at one another while doing the lord’s work.

He said that?

In the extended version of the video. And here's some of the best for last:

* Women should stop complaining about painful intercourse because there are no pain neurons down where it matters. Any pain you feel is all in your head! Three words, Doctor: Try bikini wax!

* Using drugs can improve sex! And they show pictures of the Iranian version of ecstasy pills!!!!!!!!! Not Viagra! Even before warning that smoking messes up your sex life.

* And to know if a woman has been satisfied all you need to do is pick her up and see if she is heavy. A fool-proof method to detect an orgasm is when gravity makes her heavy! because if you ask her she may be faking it and say yes. But if you pick her up and see she has gained extra pounds that means a job well done!

The doctor advises couples to do it four times a night ! This somehow put into perspective why they used the superman soundtrack at the beginning!